Long Distance Relationships: Think Positive

I am thoroughly enjoying my time at home.  I flew in a few days ago and got to see my family for the first time since...May?  I've been away from them for quite a while, some instances longer than others, but it seems that the second i'm back together with them, it's as if I never left.  I have to say how much I love my family and am thankful for every minute I get to spend with them.  I also have to say that I appreciate their trust and their support of me, even as I venture out on my own away from them, away from home.  At times I have felt distanced from them, but I have come to realize that those feelings are normal and that my family and I have a strong enough bond that nothing - not even physical separation could break us apart.  Should I hold other relationships I have to the same, or similar standards?  

Questioning the Ideology of Closeness 

Being a former military child, I have had a lot of experience with Long distance relationships (LDRs).  I have had to make and maintain friends at a distance.  Every three years or so, friends would move away, as would I, forcing me to either lose them or keep them.  I chose to keep my relationships with my friends growing up.  It may be different than keeping a proximal relationship with someone, but to me, it is just as good.

As Sahlstein (2004)  states, “Distance of any kind is certainly not perceived as indicative of a good relationship and is more likely to be viewed as problematic, Long-distance relationships are typically viewed as negative, abnormal, or doomed.”

But long distance relationships have had to become a big part of my life and I can see that I am able to maintain relationships.  Thanks to modern technology and other people who don’t feel it necessary to always be connected at the hip to maintain a relationship with someone, I am able to have a “normal” life, full of relationships, without having to be face to face with over half of the people I hold a close relationship with, be them friends, family, or a romantic partner.

I think that Long distance relationships are particularly problematic when one or more of the individuals in the relationship are extremely against the idea of a long distance relationship or Long distance dating relationship (LDDRs). Is it normal to disagree with the other person because we are forced to be apart, having to be put in the situation of having to studying and/or working in different locations?  The situation and solution seems easy and rather straightforward to me, if the issue ever would come up.  I would think, we would visit maybe 4 times a year.  We could talk on skype.  We would share some days, but naturally not every minute of our time or anything close to that.  However, I imagine for my partner, this would seem extremely abnormal and he would probably ask when and how we could live in the same place again.  This is the sentiment I get from many other people when I talk about a scenario like this, though I never thought living in the same location was ever necessary to have a relationship.  I guess that is where many other people and I differ.  The way they see it is that we are not getting any younger, we're changing, distance isn’t bringing us any closer, and probably that the most important thing is to live close by. I do think this physical closeness is important to have a life together, but not at all times, and not necessarily now.

If LDRs are just constantly compared to proximal relationships, they may seem complicated, abnormal, and overly difficult.  However, maybe it’s not as difficult as we make it out to be, as long as intimate interaction between the partners still takes place.  The real issue is how the individuals deal with a LDR until they meet face to face again.  I believe that if for the duration of the pair's time apart, the fact of how “abnormal” an LDR is becomes the couple’s mindset, the situation may become some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy.  The relationship will be very difficult, the relationship will seem negative, and it will most likely fail.

LDRs could work, with the right attitude, and the acceptance that one doesn’t necessarily NEED the other person to live their life.  I think it is actually better if the people look at themselves as individuals who experience different things to bring back to the relationship.  Here, we see a sense of Autonomy and Connection.  For example, in a relationship, the other person might feel more together than the other.  But like me, being with someone all the time tends to makes me feel as if I lose myself.  After spending so much time with someone, when I’m alone again, I tend to feel like I can’t be alone, as if I am not the person I really am, unless that other person is present.  This is a horrible feeling, to not feel independent, the sense that to feel good, I need another person.  This is ironic because this sense of “togetherness” is what many people characterize as being true love, or true friendship - when you can’t live without another person by your side.

However, I beg to differ and I think that the real true love or friendship prevails through all time and distance.  Even though I do believe you can't just expect to maintain your relationships without working on them, if reasonable contact and intimacy is held, the relationship should triumph over lack of constant physical closeness.  I think the best relationships (at least in my experience) are taken with a bit of distance.  Actually, I prefer it that way.  This may sound extreme to some people, but I do appreciate being away from those that I love and care about.  Sure, we change, things happen to us while we’re away from each other, and they're not going to be present for all of it, but when we come together again and share our experiences, we will feel more fulfilled, more happy that we don’t spend every second with one another - that our entire lives aren’t totally in relation to the presence of another person.  That is how we grow as individuals.  I think it is the same for dating relationships as well.  Too much closeness can actually ruin things, and the “ideology of closeness” should definitely be questioned.


A Poem about LDDRs

Invisible Boys

There or not,

To others, he is real or imagined

with each passing day,

I’m more indifferent or saddened

Invisible boys, invisible men

I decide when they exist or not, then.

I’m where I want to be, like clicking my heels

Running, disappearing, free as I feel

Skipping down a yellow brick road alone

Skipping the dinners, dates, calls on the phone

Skipping his presence in my physical days

- It just feels more natural that way

Invisible, they haunt my days

There - yet they’re not,

There when I want

They are with me - but they are not

Love and lust, a support from a distance

A relation across this sea of resistance

Hurting and trust from across saltwater space

So tired of this saltwater dripping down my face

Learn to be strong

Learn not to cry

When I cant see your face

With my naked eye

Learn not to feel,

Learn not to doubt

Remember that there aint nobody

You can’t live without

Feeling them out, talking about

Day after day, a day he’s away

Maybe he’ll appear

Or else just fade away

Invisible boys

Invisible, where?

Alive in my mind,

But still never there

Should I marry an invisible man

As being with him allows me to be free?

Should I choose an invisible man,

Or should I learn to be with a man I can see?